There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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