oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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