i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
