So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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