Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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