I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
