The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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