I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
