Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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