my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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