apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
