I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
