The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
