I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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