Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it's great music for shaving your balls
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
