i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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