i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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