I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
