i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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