def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
