Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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