Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
