Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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