he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
