If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
