6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I need a beard to bite.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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