that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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