I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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