My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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