I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
