Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
