if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?