a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.