If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
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Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????