you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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