don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize