i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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