mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
