During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
