For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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