is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
