It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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