I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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