Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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