Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
