Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
