He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
