Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
