if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
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There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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