I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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