I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
