Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
