So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
