He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
