after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
