she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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