The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
