so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
