I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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