dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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