Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
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