guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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