Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
