I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
