Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
