You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
